Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his b*tt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids.
He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and b*tt and with his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you Paddy?”
Paddy replied, “And why would you be saying such a mean thing?”
“Well,” she said,
“it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes–but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!